I’d like to talk about the mom and stepmom relationship. It’s the most inevitable question I’m asked when speaking about being a stepmom. It sounds like, “So…, what does the mom think of you?”. Or, “How is the mom taking it now that you’re in the picture?”.
I’d like to get this matter out of the way early in this blog because it’s not the purpose of my site. The purpose is to transform the image of the stepmother and blended families to a healthy, purposeful and loving one.
The following ideas are partly from my experiences, other stepmoms’ experiences and from psychological research on stepfamilies.
First we have to understand that there’s a natural, instinctual response by mothers to protect their children. So, having a stepmom in the life of their children can strike a cord as primitive as can be.
I believe these are the most influential factors to the mom / stepmom relationship:
- The mother’s own personal security or insecurity. A secure mother would not feel threatened by a stepmother in her role as mother. Insecurity may show up through being dependant on the children’s love and attention to feel validated and loved. It may also show up by acting based on emotion, rather that’s what’s right for the children.
- The mother’s behaviour with the father. If the behaviour is disrespectful and negative, or amicable and respectful in nature, it would certainly affect my willingness or unwillingness to be involved with the mother.
- The stepmom’s intention with the children: Poor intentions could arise when the stepmom wants to replace the mom. For example by forcing the children to call her “mom”. Also, did she intend, when starting her relationship with the dad, to take on the role of stepmom or simply be dad’s girlfriend/wife and have nothing to do with the kids?
- The child’s unique reaction to the stepmom: Some children will be thrilled to have a “bonus mom”, while some others will be mad because the stepmother represents a major obstacle in getting his parents back together. The mom, feeling empathetic, may subconsciously not even think to question her child for the real reason behind his feelings when the child says his new stepmom is mean. She would therefore develop a bias against the stepmom very early on.
- We both want what’s best for the child even when we disagree on what that is.
- We are not friends, however we are cordial.
- We don’t plan “all together” activities.
- We allow each sets of parents to parent in their own way in each home without infringement from the other house.
- I do very little communication with her. As long as my husband is available, he deals with her on the child’s affairs. Most communications are via email and text.
While I know no one who wouldn’t prefer peace for all, sometimes boundaries are necessary in sensitive situations. They are, in fact, important for my husband and I, and are necessary for the sustainability of our marriage and the future of our family.
A 2017 psychological publication by Linda Nielsen has been very eye-opening for us, because it made my husband and I realize what is the best thing to focus on for the well being of his child.
The best factor determining the child’s outcome is ensuring he has a quality relationship with each parent. And that is over and above conflict between the parents and level of co-parenting.
Excerpt from Linda Nielsen:
[…] the data strongly support the idea that the quality of the parent–child relationship is the best predictor of future outcomes for the children.
And, The quality of the parent–child relationship is a better predictor than conflict of children’s outcomes.
So, my husband and I decided to focus on what most important:
His and my relationship with his son.
Stepmoms, please realize that, not having a good relationship with the mom does not make you a bad person. And that the mom is not a bad person for not having a good relationship with you either.
So there it is in a nutshell. Onwards and upwards to more specific blended family topics in the future.
If you like what you read, please share, leave a comment and tell your friends about my blog. I really hope to help other families dealing with any blended family issues.
Thanks so much for reading!
À la prochaine,
